39. *Why and How we worry*

Worry is what happens when you constantly compare yourself against external frames of reference and continuously chatter to yourself about it. Over time, this sets in as your mental make-up. Your very mental make-up becomes worry.

You will think:

Am I doing as well as my neighbours?

How can I impress my boss?

What will my children think?

116 All the time, we need to get approval from others – whether it is family or work or society. This is a major portion of our worry. Our whole life is nothing but a process of collecting certificates from others. If others don't keep giving us certificates like Good Husband, Good Employee, Good Neighbour, we worry that our life has become worthless. We form our personality only from others' certificates. We have all stopped trusting ourselves; that is the problem.

As a child, each of us is strongly centered in our own being. Have you ever seen any child worrying about what people will think of him? No! A child is beautiful because he has no worries. He is not worried about what others will say about him.

As we grow up, society teaches us to evaluate ourselves by the ideas and opinions of others. Society makes us dependent on external support, certificates from others, for each of our actions and words. This is why we are all the time worried about what others will say about us.

Also, when you worry about something, you feel you have a definite point of reference against which to run your life. That is why worrying gives a direction to your life. Without worry, you feel as if you have no axis about which to move. And so you actually nurture your worries.

Let me tell you a small story:

Three men were sitting abandoned on an island.

They did not know for how many years they had been there.

Suddenly, one of them found a bottle and picked it up.

He rubbed his hands over it, and suddenly a genie appeared out of it.

They were shocked.

The genie told them, 'Thank you for freeing me from this bottle. Each of you may ask for a wish and I will grant it for you.'

They were very excited and they thought for a while.

The first man said, 'I want to marry my girlfriend and live happily.'

The genie said, 'Alright, your wish will come true.'

The first man disappeared from the island and the genie looked at the second man.

The second man said, 'I want to become a wealthy businessman.'

The genie said, 'Alright, your wish will be granted.'

The second man disappeared and the genie asked the third man what he wanted.

The third man said, 'I am going to miss my two friends who have been with me all these years. I want to be with them!'

The genie said, 'Alright,' and it disappeared, leaving the three men just as they had been on the abandoned island!

The third was actually attached to his worry which is being marooned in the island! This is what I mean when I say we are so fond of our worries! We claim that they give us misery but we are so attached to them.

People come to me and say, 'Swamiji, my business is going from bad to worse. Last month I suffered heavy losses and the next month I know it's going to be even worse.'

I ask them, 'If you already know that, why don't you close down your business right away? Why should you suffer?'

But they are shocked. They ask in disbelief, 'What are you saying, Swamiji? What will I do then?'

The moment I give a solution for your worry, you are shaken because without a reason to worry, your ego loses its reason for existence! That is why you choose to remain in the dimension of worry. When you are in worry, you feel you are someone. You feel solid.

Whereas, when you are free from worrying, you are in bliss, but in this dimension you are nobody! There is no material to keep you occupied. There is nothing to solve. You feel insecure, like a non-entity. That is why I tell you, to enjoy a worry-less state, you need to first drop your ego about wanting to be a solid entity.

And the thing about worrying is, first of all, worry itself is your decision to give food to the mind and keep it occupied. On top of this, each person thinks that only he has got a lot of worries and that only he is unhappy, and everyone else is very happy! But the strange thing is, every one thinks this way! How is this possible?

A small story:

In a certain kingdom, it came to the king's notice that everybody in his kingdom was depressed, because each person felt that they had the maximum worries, and no one else had any such worries.

So the king announced a 'Worry Exchange Offer', where people could bring in their big worries, and exchange them for someone else's small worries.

A big space was made ready, and in the center of it a huge 'worry pot' was placed.

Anybody who wanted, could come and dump his own worries inside it, and pick up any other worries they wanted. The only thing was, they had to pick up some worries.

The whole kingdom gathered for the event.

The people moved around and met each other and started talking to each other about their worries.

After a long time, the event was declared open for the worry exchange.

A lot of time passed and not a single person came forward to drop their worries in the pot.

The kings asked his ministers what was happening.

The ministers replied, 'Your majesty, after all that interaction, everyone thinks that their own familiar small worries are much better than everyone else's worries!'

If we get down to the bottom of our so-called worries, we will understand that we are simply magnifying things that are not so bad at all. We simply talk in the air without getting down to the actual facts. If we get down to the facts, it will be not even 1/10th of what you worry about.

Speaking in and speaking out

Alright, now let us analyze what actually happens inside the mind when you worry.

Just watch your mind when you are worrying about something.

You will see that a continuous stream of thoughts is being generated in your mind - totally disconnected thoughts and usually negative thoughts. An influx of negative and repetitive words will be like a current in your mind.

You see: we all use two kinds of speech – speaking out and speaking in. Speaking out is speaking to others, what we call speech or conversation. Speaking in is speaking to ourselves. Actually, this speaking in is a continuous process that goes on inside us. This speaking in is called 'inner chatter' and this is what is called worry also.

Worry is nothing but this continuous, uncontrolled inner chatter happening in your mind. This inner chatter becomes your master and takes control of you.

Whatever words you speak out, you speak carefully because if not, society will ask you to be careful. But your 'speaking in' is not controlled in any fashion. When words that you speak out, can be controlled, why can't words that you speak in be controlled?

You don't control what you speak inside because you don't have self-respect. You simply say what you wish inside you. Do we throw garbage on a plate of food? No. We throw it only in the garbage can. You treat others like a plate of food and yourself like a garbage can. Because of this, you become indigested.

The dangerous this is, with outer conversations, there will be breaks when no conversation happens. But the inner chatter is continuous. It can drive you mad! Actually, many times, you speak outside only to escape from your own inner chatter. That is why so much talking goes on in the world! People are afraid to be silent because there is a madhouse inside them. So they meet up, socialize, talk, and keep themselves occupied.

What exactly do we mean by this inner chatter?

Just try this small exercise when you are by yourself. Just sit for a few minutes with your eyes closed. Keep a pen and paper with you. Don't focus your mind on anything. Just witness your mind. Just see what is going on in your mind. Almost as soon as you close your eyes, you will see that there is a continuous stream of thoughts flowing through your mind. Write down honestly, whatever thoughts are there. Just write whatever is going on, however unconnected the thoughts may be. Do this for five minutes.

Now, sit down and read what you have written on the paper. You will be shocked! Whatever you have recorded on the paper is your inner chatter. If you read it, you will see how disconnected, how irrelevant your thoughts are! One moment you will be here; the next moment you will be in America; the next moment you will be in your office; the next moment you will be thinking of your children!

This is the mind you have entrusted your life to! This is the mind that generates all your worries. This is the mind that is living your life for you. If you understand this step, the rest is easy.

A small story:

One day, there was an accident on the road.

People gathered around and saw that a brand new car had crashed against a wall.

They asked the driver, 'Why are you driving the car if you don't know how to drive properly?'

'Of course I know how to drive,' replied the man, 'I only don't know how to stop.'

The man knew how to drive but did not know how to stop! You are also driving a vehicle which you don't know how to stop. It is a very dangerous thing. Your mind is a like vehicle that you don't know to stop. Just try to stop your inner chatter, even for a few seconds. Can you? When you try to control it, the number of thoughts increases. And you will have one more worry that you have to stop your mind!

You are not driving your mind; your mind is driving you.

To understand worry, we need to have a deep insight into the nature of our minds.

The way to worry is through the mind, and the way out can also be only through the mind. But we keep searching for answers in all the wrong places. We search outside all the time. We think, If I had more money, all my worries would be over! If I was more good-looking… If I had a better job… If… If… If…

The solution cannot be found in outer world things. It can be found only inside ourselves.

A small story:

Buddha had ten thousand disciples whom he used to address every morning.

One day he brought a tightly knotted rope and placed it before them and asked, 'Can someone untie this knot?' The disciples came forward, pulled and pushed the knot but could not undo it.

One intelligent disciple came up, looked at the knot for a while and undid it easily.

You have to look at the knot and see how it has been created, then you can undo it. Instead, if you simply pull and push, you will never be able to untie the knot; it will only become tighter.

The same thing applies to our problems also. The problems, diseases, emotions you are struggling with, are nothing but knots in your system. Once you clearly understand how the knots have been created, you can take the right steps to untie them.

Worry is closely related to the manipuraka chakra, the energy center which lies in the navel region. Negative thoughts directly attack the manipuraka chakra.

Just do this small test: Whenever you feel negative thoughts coming up, look into them and see where they are rising from. You will find that they always rise up from the navel.

Whenever you feel worried, whenever a situation arises that you simply can't handle, the first thing to get affected is also your navel region, your stomach. You can physically feel depression as a weight in your stomach. That is why we always say, 'I can't stomach it; I can't digest it.' This expression is there in all the languages. It is universal. Constant worrying locks the manipuraka chakra.

So, what is the way to be worry-free?

Create only positive words

If I ask you how to be worry-free, you will say, 'We should never get worried in any situation Swamiji.'

Just try telling yourself that you should not get worried. What will happen? You will create one more worry of not wanting to worry. Never say, 'Stop worrying'; it is utterly impossible. The only thing you can do is, Stop worrying about your worries!

What do I mean by not worrying about the worry? Just see the worries and don't get perturbed by them, that's all. It is only when you start repeating your worries to yourself, does the actual worry take root. This is what I mean by, 'Stop worrying about your worries.' Don't give life to your worries. Don't feed them with flesh and blood.

When you say, Control the mind, Don't think negatively – it is just like tightening the knot in the rope. Your mind becomes more tense and constricted. This will not help in untying the knot.

When you suppress, the memories of the suppressions go directly to your worry center. When this center is poisoned, all your actions will have an unconscious violence. You will pluck leaves from trees, you will destroy things, you will misbehave with your body, you will fight with yourself and with others.

These are all subtle expressions of suppression. That is why people say that their stomach is burning with anger or they are feeling heavy in the stomach. The suppressed anger gives rise to more negativity.

What is negativity?

Supposing you suffer from a business failure due to some reason, how would you react? You would feel sad that you met with failure; that is ok. But you will not stop at that. You will allow all sorts of things to enter into your head.

Oh, this is my bad period!

Everything I touch is sure to be a failure!

I am good for nothing!

Why am I always so unlucky? And and so on!

This is negativity. This is the root of worry. 99% of our worries are never true. It is just negativity, that's all

Gradually, this negative chatter solidifies in your being and becomes a negative influence in everything that you do. And you are so unconscious of this solidified thing in you; that is the danger. To make you acutely aware of this in your system itself is a big task because it has become your very nature. You don't see it as something different from you. You feel that is the way.

The clinical name for this negative attitude is depression. Some people are less depressed, some people are more depressed. The more you allow this chatter to consume you, the more depressed you become. The people who are less depressed feel it only occasionally and that too at a lower degree whereas the people who are more depressed feel it most of the time in a severe fashion. But the current is flowing for both.

So depression or negativity is nothing but a collection of negative thoughts, which you speak to yourself. And once you allow such thoughts to enter into your mind, the same thoughts will keep playing back every time you suffer a small failure. It will keep reinforcing this attitude. After all, worrying is only a highly reinforced habit.

But it is a mere habit and so you can kick it like any other habit! But you don't think it is only a habit; you think it is a solid reality. That is the problem. That is why you are not able to kick it.

Remember: the mind is an excellent recording system. It stores your negative thought patterns, your complexes and your worries. Whatever you teach the mind, it learns and repeats faithfully. This is how you create a solid mental make-up of negativity. So be very careful what you tell your mind. We always take so much care in how we speak to others, but we never care about how we speak to ourselves.

Just like poor eating habits cause cholesterol to accumulate in your arteries, constant worrying causes worries to solidify in your being. In the same way as cholesterol creates blockages in your arteries, worry creates energy blockages in your energy.

Over a period of time, worrying becomes part of your nature; it becomes an unconscious act. Even if you reason your worries out, the low mood still remains. Why? Because all your worries, all your anger, you have suppressed over the years, and they are still there as an invisible layer in your being. Worry is the wave that rises from time to time, but depression is the water itself.

How do we go beyond depression or negativity?

Just be aware and alert. Whenever you become aware of a negative thought surfacing, just visually scatter the negative words and see them disperse. If you keep doing this, you will not allow the negative patterns to settle, and with time your mental make-up, your mental programming will change; it will not be negative any more.

If you go beyond inner chatter even for a few moments, you will become more aware, more alive. You will understand that worry is unreal, unnecessary.