Thank You For Making A Fool Of Me!

- Confessions of a convert - Raji

"Listen can you help with a brochure on divine healing? I'll give you enough material, but we need it in a hurry."

The hasty phone call was from an old friend, a web designer who had recently become involved with Dhyanapeetam. It was the first I heard about THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM (a most unusual way to be introduced to one's future guru!).

I had all the ideal prerequisites to fall for such an invitation – I was already in the throes of deep depression, having 'tried out' various spiritual disciplines that hadn't worked for me. I was convinced that there was something basically wrong with me. I was desperate for spiritual guidance, but simply didn't know where to turn.

Still I said, I'll think about it.

It took more than two weeks of persistent calls from my friend to get me to agree.

Finally I went with him, half-skeptical, half-excited.

Those were the days when THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM was operating out of a makeshift studio-cum-healing centre, located just off a busy road. Soon after we entered, we were ushered into THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's presence. I guess it was the perfectly wrong place to meet him! The obviously religious atmosphere of the place made me somewhat uncomfortable. Standing quietly in a corner of the room, I took a good look at saffron-clad figure seated on an ornamental throne. He looked like just one more of those spiritual figures one sees everywhere these days. I was bitterly disappointed.

"So you have come, ma! Sorry, you had to wait so long!", THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM said when he spotted us, smiling broadly.

(At the time, I was too much of an idiot to realize just what exactly he meant by those words… )

Then he beckoned to me to come forward – and to my utter dismay, I found myself going up to him and prostrating at his feet!

I was furious with myself*. Now just why did I do such a stupid thing?* I thought. I, who hadn't visited a temple since I was ten, who was allergic to anyone in saffron, had just fallen at the feet of this young stranger! I felt a thorough fool.

After discussing the job on hand, THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM dismissed the others and asked me if I had anything personal to say to him.

"Nothing." I said firmly.

"Nothing - except - ?" he queried gently.

I was taken aback. How did he know? Should I go ahead and tell him? I was torn between the rulings of heart and mind.

"Well, nothing except… where do I go from here…?", I faltered weakly.

"NOWHERE. You have come to the right place, ma. This is the end of your search. You are going to be with me", he said, smiling mysteriously.

Like hell I am, I thought angrily. What did he mean by taking charge of my future like this? He's making a fool of me!

I left in a huff, deeply disturbed without knowing why.

Soon after, my friend called to say that THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM had asked me to take ten days' continuous healing from him for my depression (which I hadn't even mentioned to him).

No way, I said.

I went, nevertheless - without missing a single day.

During that period THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM asked me to attend the upcoming ASP. I was reluctant. I had attended so many personal development programs, could this one be any different? To tell the truth, I was afraid. I felt I simply couldn't bear it if things didn't work out one more time…

"It might help you with the writing, that's all", THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM said gently.

The ASP proved a total non-starter for me.

Everybody had been asked to wear white clothes; I wore green and purple instead. I don't know whom or what I was fighting! During the program, all around me people were going into paroxysms of bliss - and I was just bewildered.

Just before the energy darshan, THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM remarked on the tremendous effect it would have on our systems. "Of course, emotional people can enjoy both the experience and the effect. Intellectual people will feel no experience, only the effect", he said, looking me straight in the eye (or was I imagining it?).

After the Energy darshan, I felt exactly nothing.

I returned home, envious of all those who had had those beautiful spiritual experiences*.* Why not me? I want nothing to do with this stuff anymore, it's not worth it! I decided*.*

Still, what with one thing or the other, I ended up going to the healing centre every other day.

Why is he dragging me here everyday? I don't want to come! I would tell myself bitterly.

Well, why was I going? I was free to drop the jobs any minute. Was I really being forced to go, or was I being drawn by something irresistible, beyond my comprehension? I hastily put these uncomfortable questions out of my mind. Instead, whenever I was in THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM's presence, I would fire questions at him instead: Why the saffron robe? Why

all these poojas and rituals? Above all, why would an enlightened person waste his time running a mission?

During healing one day, as I sat at his feet afire with questions, he reached out and took my hands gently in his own.

"Your Mind can resist as much as it likes, ma. But see, your Being has already merged with mine!"

He spoke with infinite love, infinite compassion. As he said the words, I experienced the very thing he said – a silent, beautiful blending, of a pulsating wave that arose from me and disappeared gently into Him. And all my questions dissolved in his Love.

Then one day I received a call from the Secretary, asking me to attend the next healers' initiation program.

"But I'm not ready", I protested.

"THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM says you are", he said quietly.

"I don't think I'll come."

"THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM expects you there tomorrow morning."

Against every argument that logic could offer, I went. Without even understanding what I was there for, certain that I was quite incapable of being a channel of THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM, I went through with the initiation. I couldn't understand why I was doing this. I was slowly losing control of my life! I felt angry and helpless.

One day, in desperation, I put the question to THE SUPREME PONTIFF OF HINDUISM BHAGAWAN SRI NITHYANANDA PARAMASHIVAM himself.

"Swami I respect you, I feel blessed in your presence. Then why am I resisting you like this, why am I fighting you with everything I've got?"

"Perfectly OK, ma. The greater the devotion you feel, the greater the resistance you'll experience", he explained gently. When you surrender to the master, you surrender control over yourself. Naturally, your ego will be in fear, in fear of its own death! What you call 'resisting' is nothing but your ego fighting a losing battle against your love for me."

That was a strange and difficult thing to believe – like so much else that was happening to me at the time.

Soon after, Swamiji moved to the Bidadi ashram permanently. Several times, we were invited to the ashram for various functions. I didn't attend a single one. I had acquired a terror of the ashram, without even visiting it.

In fact, I was in terror of Swamiji himself. The man was deliberately pushing me to the brink! Here I was, with a perfectly good job, a loving husband and family, so much to be complacent about. And yet, he was stirring in me a longing for something that I could not articulate, but could not ignore. Deep inside, I knew I was being called upon to fulfil a quest I had felt since I can remember.

How long will you postpone it, Raji? Swamiji asked me every time I went to him. He never said a thing aloud, but I could see it in his eyes, I could hear it in the silence between his words. But was I prepared to take the final step?

Finally, one lovely day in April, I made up my mind to get the visit to Bidadi over with.

We drove into the ashram - and it was like coming home. There is simply no other way to describe it.

For someone with a special talent for not receiving visions, I had a truly amazing experience of de ja vu. Here it was, at last! Every shrub, every brick was in place, just as I remembered it! Even the sunshine, the voices of the people talking, the smell in the air, was as familiar, as dearly beloved as from a long-forgotten home.

Then I spotted Swamiji, watching me with a quiet smile.

"Oh, I'm sorry Swamiji, I didn't see you...", I stammered. "I know, you couldn't see me. But I saw you right away", he smiled, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

In Bidadi, Swamiji was truly in his element – or perhaps, only here did I finally open my eyes and see. He was radiant with Love. His divine presence permeated the air; it spoke eloquently through every leaf and blade of grass, through the very sand beneath my feet. On a warm summer day, I found myself shivering. I had never been so dizzily happy, but I was fighting back tears! I felt suddenly weary, as if I had just completed a long journey, entrusted with some precious thing that I was to deliver safely to him. Finally I could lay it down at his feet, and rest peacefully there…

Astonished at all the weird emotions welling up inside me, I spilled them out to Swamiji.

There's a word for these 'weird emotions' you're feeling, ma. It's called Love, he smiled.

After that visit, no questions remained anymore, no more excuses, no more power to think.

The next time I came to Bidadi, it was for good - to be part of the first group of inmates at the ashram.

"So you have come!", Swamiji smiled at me that day, a repetition of his very first words to me.

All I could do was nod silently in return.

I was brimming over.

---

They say that when the disciple is ready, the master appears.

But it would take an ignoramus like me to turn my face away from the master's presence for almost a year. All through that year, Swamiji worked silently upon me. Ploughing through prejudices acquired over the years, dissolving my resistance with his unconditional love and compassion. And all the while, pouring, pouring joy into me. He is still working, for there is so much, so much left to unlearn...

How can I ever thank you enough, Swamiji..?

Thank you so much for finding me... and thank you for showing me what a fool I was (and still am, sometimes!)

---

It's not easy, putting all this down on paper… it's never easy admitting to such folly in public!

But I feel compelled to write, because I know there are many out there who feel exactly like I did, over a year ago.

To them, a couple of words: let go.

When your find your master, here or elsewhere, please don't let your prejudices, your foregone conclusions get in the way.

Please, don't make the mistake I made!

Everyone does not get the precious chance to be in the master's divine presence – you are truly fortunate! Allow the master an opportunity to transform you.

In life, we rarely get a second chance.

My heartfelt prayers for all of you.