Leaving Home🔗

nithyananda's family was a large joint family in Tiruvannamalai. There were well over 20 families who lived together in a large house that was almost two acres (nearly 90,000 square feet) in built up area.

Nithyananda says: People ask me what you have ashrams and what is the point in being living in ashrams as if in a commune? What difference is it from living in a joint family?

We need to think of humans as conscious beings and not as a social utility. If you are a Doctor your profession is a Doctor; your being is not a Doctor. I am trying to help you reclaim your inner space. You are more than a Doctor; that's only part of your inner space. In his ashram Nithyananda is helping people to gain their inner space. In comparison to this inner space the outer space that we have spent all our time in will seem so small and insignificant. One will no longer care for it. We will not care if we have it or not.

Outer life is only one part of our life, our being. You may ask why can't I not reach this from my own home? Why is the ashram necessary?

Your home is based on the concept of society. It makes you forget the truth. Here the ideology of the inner space is the backbone of the ashram; its ambience, its structure, everything in it. Your friends and your Master will not let you forget this.

When people ask about coexisting home life and spiritual life, Nithyananda tells them it is ok to continue with home life. That is only a polite answer. For 10 days after meeting him, after hearing his discourse, his meditation course, one will be in a high accepting mood at home. Then society takes us over. The bondage returns. People who interact with us make a difference. Body language is the food for the mind. In the ashram the food is positive. People who we are with help us tide over our weaknesses instead of exploiting them. They do not judge or criticize. Society on the other hand constantly judges us; if we conform you are rewarded; if we do not we are punished.

Ashram is a higher reality. It provides Buddham (wisdom), Dhammam (technology) and Sangam (community) that lives the technology of wisdom. It is a major part of spiritual life. Even if we do not remember our path, Sangam will remind us. Some one around us will constantly remind us of the higher ideals we set out to reach. We would have a loving place, a caring place to grow spiritually in. In the outer world people will disturb, obstruct and stop us from our spiritual path. In the ashram people encourage us in reaching out to the great truths.

Human beings can not live isolated, only as individuals. No man is an island, John Donne has said. Human being is a social animal. If we are constantly reminded of higher truths we shall live them, radiate them. Sangam is having bliss, radiating bliss. That’s why ashrams are created.

Ashrams are epicenters of strong ananda (bliss) vibrations; vibrations that cause the inner space to quake and shift; whatever we had built before is shattered, leveled.

When one sits at the feet of the Master all doubts are removed; energy is created to fulfill desires to reach higher spiritual level. It is easy to love the Master; it is much harder to love our fellow beings. In the ashram people learn to love each other without conditions and causes. Bliss is shared independent of the Master.

The ashram is an ideological joint family. It is not a bondage of blood relationship. It is a deep emotional and ideological connection. Ashram life is a way of life and one needs maturity. It is not a theory but a reality to be expressed and experienced.

Vivekananda said: the dharma chakra is in motion. All you have to do is to stand by the chakra and be part of its motion.

Distaste for Society's hypocrisy

nithyananda's grandfather's elder brother's wife was about 104 when she died, and nithyananda was about 12. This lady had no children of her own and was looked after by one of nithyananda's uncles. This uncle and his wife were not happy looking after this lady and always found some excuse or another not to be of help to her. The lady herself was a difficult person and unpleasant. She was very miserly even though she was wealthy. She often would ask nithyananda to buy her tobacco, and when the boy asked for money would tell him to ask his father. This old lady would even grudge giving water from the common well inside the house to her neighbors when there was a drought in the region.

When she died no one in the family wept to start with. The most caring person was the neighborhood Doctor who attended to her, who had been treated shabbily by her and who had even been refused water by her in the past. Yet, with great compassion he treated her till her death. The family was happy to see her go.

Just before the family expected mourners to arrive the women in the household changed into cheap saris and removed all their jewelry. As soon as guests arrived they started wailing as if on cue. Once the formal wailing ceremony was over as if it was a ritual, they would get into inane social conversation, offer refreshments and coffee to guest mourners. Once a new set of relatives arrived the wailing cycle would start all over again. The boy was shocked and surprised at the hypocrisy of it all.

While the dead body was still in the house and relatives were still calling upon the family to condole, the immediate family went into the dead lady’s private room, where her box of jewelry was kept under her bed. There were 27 families living under one roof; they all laid claim to her jewelry and other possessions and started negotiations and bargaining even before her body was cold. The family called the goldsmith to assay and value the jewelry.

In that moment nithyananda lost all respect for his family and its social conditioning. He started laughing loudly at their behavior. An uncle tried to hit him to stop his laughter, as he thought that the boy was getting hysterical out of emotional shock. nithyananda held his uncle's hand and hold him that if he tried to hit him again he would tell all the assembled crowd what the family members were up to; bargaining about sharing the loot even before the body was cremated. nithyananda's mother told the uncle to be careful of her son, as he was quite capable of doing what he threatened to do. She tried to persuade him to eat to divert him. Then the relatives haggled about who would pay for funeral expenses. nithyananda's father, a mild and innocent man, who hated arguments, immediately agreed to take care of all expenses to avoid all disputes on this score.

Completely disgusted, nithyananda's took his book of Bhagavad Gita and started chanting the verses in front of the dead body. That was probably the only action that helped the old lady's spirit depart peacefully amidst all the drama that was going on.

nithyananda had always from early childhood had the dream of becoming a sanyasis, an ascetic mendicant. In his family when boys and girls were still in their early teens they were matched for future marriage. This was done as soon as the girls reached adolescence. A suitable match was selected within the family network. Very rarely was their any opposition to these arranged matches. Both girl and boy were constantly reminded of their relationship and as far as the family was concerned it was all a done thing; and so it was with the boy and the girl; they never considered any alternatives.

nithyananda's elder brother had already been matched with a relative when he was about 14 and it was nithyananda's turn now. With great fervor the family started discussing possibilities. One day an elderly relative, a lady, started discussing this in front of nithyananda. The boy stared hard at her. This lady became uncomfortable and asked him why he was staring at her. nithyananda continued to stare and looked hard into her eyes. She understood that he did not like her discussing his marriage and asked what he had against marriage and why he was upset. nithyananda asked her rather rudely, and unusually for him, what have you achieved by marrying? The lady did not reply; instead she asked him what he wanted to be. nithyananda promptly and without a trace of doubt replied that he wanted to be a Swami, a sanyasi. He drew a picture of what he wanted to be.

nithyananda's mother had understood this for a long time. nithyananda was very close to his mother. Even when he was in his mid teens he used to lie down with his head on her lap and talk to her about his experiences. He used to spend a lot of time in the kitchen talking to his mother. On occasions when nithyananda used to laugh, joke and play the fool, he would find his mother suddenly turn sad and find tears in her eyes. It was as if she knew for certain that he would leave her and go away soon. In Indian families, especially in such small town joint families as with nithyananda's, sons continued to stay with parents even after marriage under parental control and under the same roof. Sons inherited the family wealth and needed to be part of the family; daughters on the other hand became part of their husbands' families once they were married.

nithyananda had been having the urge to leave home as a sanyasi since his early teens. By the time he was seventeen and had completed his diploma course in mechanical engineering in Tiruvannamalai he felt he was ready to leave. He felt that he

Suddenly one evening the urge was so strong that he decided he needed to act immediately. He felt he had to jump out of the life he was leading and into the life he was seeking without further delay. He could not bear to continue living the way he did any longer.

nithyananda had to tell his mother first. He loved her deeply and wanted to make sure that her shock and suffering should be as little as possible. That night when the urge was so strong that he felt he must depart, nithyananda went to his mother around 10 pm in the night. He asked her: what would do you if I died? His mother asked: Why do you ask such an inauspicious question? What is wrong? nithyananda said: nothing, no particular reason, I just need to know.

His mother said resignedly: What can I do? I need to accept it if it happens. nithyananda then told her that he wanted to leave home.

nithyananda's mother burst into tears. Her body shook in sorrow uncontrollably. I knew that you would go away one day, she said. nithyananda asked her whether she did not want him to leave. She said, no, I know that you want to go and I want you to do what you have always wanted to do in your life. I can not stop you from that; but I can not bear to see you go. What can I do?

nithyananda felt overwhelmed at this unconditional love of his mother. She was in deep sorrow and yet she wanted for her son what he wanted. She did not wish to be in his way. Her innocence touched him deeply. She was innocent of her own innocence.

nithyananda had not expected his mother to accept the reality of her losing him so easily. It was as if there was a divine hand in this. When one is intensely in tune with the divine, things fall in place and all obstructions disappear. When nithyananda's father returned home from his work his mother told him what her son had told her earlier that night. nithyananda's father was angry with his mother. He felt that she had done something to annoy their son. nithyananda told his father that there was nothing his mother or any one else in the family had done or said that led to his decision to leave home. He told his father that he had always wanted to lead a sanyasi's life and he felt that this was the time for him to leave home in that pursuit.

nithyananda was fortunate that his parents were not sophisticated and corrupted by societal influences. They were naïve and innocent in many ways. All that they really wanted was that their son did what made him happy. They knew from the time of his birth when the family astrologer had predicted that he would be a raja sanyasin that he would leave home sooner or later. Their hope was that it would be later. They were concerned about how he will take care of himself as nithyananda had rarely ventured out of Tiruvannamalai; where he would find shelter and where he would find food.

Nithyananda is worshipped today by millions. Back in 1995 when he was ready to leave home no one knew who he was. nithyananda himself had no idea then what would happen to him. He knew that he wanted to be an enlightened Master, and he thought it would happen sometime before he died, perhaps when he was 70 or 80. He had no clue as to what existence had in store for him, nor did he know then that he was to surrender to Existence every step of the way.

nithyananda told his parents that he wanted to leave in a week's time. Back then he was clear that he would not come back South at all. His heart was set on spending his time in the Himalayan mountains. His father, though he did not say much and did not try to stop his son, made his displeasure and unhappiness felt by his attitude to nithyananda's mother. nithyananda tried to convince him without much success. nithyananda was sorry for his mother. She was being buffeted between father and son; her husband felt that she was responsible for their son leaving home; she was heartbroken at her son leaving home. Both parents did not know when they would see their son again whether they would see him alive at all again.

Years later when Nithyananda met his parents again and talked to them about his leaving home, his mother told him that they knew from his birth that he would leave them one day. They were happy that he would become a great sanyasi as predicted by the astrologer; but that they were not able to bear the parting.

nithyananda's mother was also his first disciple. Whenever there was an issue that confused her she sought him out for counsel. Whatever she thought something was important, including what TV to buy, nithyananda was the one she would turn to. Even then both his parents used to call nithyananda swami!

News spread amongst the close knit family circle of nithyananda that he was leaving home. Friends and relatives gathered as if to condole. The house became a place of mourning. nithyananda used to sit in a sofa in the center of the house and all visitors sat around him looking at him sadly and cry. They all knew that he would certainly leave and yet some would try and persuade him not to. The answers that nithyananda gave them were curt and honest and very different from his normally very polite behavior. This stopped them from asking more questions.

An Uncle asked nithyananda why he was leaving, are we not spiritual people? nithyananda shot back saying: You drink from morning till evening. What do you know about spirituality? The uncle shut up and left the house insulted. It was unusual for a boy to leave home at seventeen or a girl to leave home till marriage in rural India. In many joint families the sons continue to live with their parents till the father dies and one of them takes over the family responsibilities.

nithyananda warned his mother that all the family wealth will disappear once he left home, as the wealth was there to take care of him. He told her not to be concerned as there would always be enough for her and his father to live

nithyananda's mother's family was quite spiritually inclined, though his father's family was quite the opposite. nithyananda's mother's father was nithyananda's first inspiration, who carried him on his shoulder, told him stories, and created the first positive samskaras in the young boy. His grandfather told him time and again that he should be like a Prahlad, Dhruv or Markandeya, all masters who were enlightened before adolescence. One wonders whether he knew what was in store for the young child, who as he desired did have his first spiritual experience when he was still pre adolescent.

Some of the relatives suggested that nithyananda stay in a local religious institution that trained monks so that they will know he was safe and could keep an eye on him. His grandfather said that he would build an ashram for him so that he need not go anywhere to pursue his spiritual pursuits, as there was no greater spiritual center than Tiruvannamalai. nithyananda laughed and told him that they would only let him stay there for two days; they would then ask him to come back home once a week, then twice a week and finally he might as well stay him; get a job and get married. His grandfather said, no, no, no one will disturb you. nithyananda had no patience to listen to all this.

Some one than said let us get him married within two three days; let us select a girl. They started discussing what dowry to ask for! It was all a matter of family prestige. How can we let him do this? What will people say when they hear that a son has walked out of the family? Lots of discussions went on. Some people wanted nithyananda guarded so that he could not run away.

An uncle from Chennai (then Madras), his mother's brother, suggested that nithyananda stay with him in Chennai for a while before he decided to leave. nithyananda thought that was a good idea. Intuitively nithyananda felt that this would help. He wanted to go north to the Himalayas. He knew that he had to start from Chennai by train to reach the Himalayas. It was also a blessing since he had already decided that he would not touch any money once he started his wandering. In a train in India it is still possible to travel without a ticket whereas in a bus it is impossible, and to reach Chennai he had to travel by bus for which he would have no money. Things were indeed falling into place!

Before he left Tiruvannamalai nithyananda went to the temple of Arunachala, and stood at the sanctum sanctorum in front of Arunachaleswara. For the first time he felt the extent of the depth of his connection to Arunachaleswara. He did not feel he was going to miss Him. No; but he was sad he was going to miss all His festivities and functions. As he stood in front of his beloved Arunachaleswara tears flowed unceasingly from his eyes. nithyananda could see the living energy behind the idol radiating compassion and blessing. The boy could hear the Lord blessing him: You will come back to me, you will come back successfully. nithyananda prostrated before the idol and took leave with deep love and fulfillment. nithyananda felt that Arunachaleswara was with him on this journey.

Whenever nithyananda traveled by bus from Tiruvannamalai he would keep looking back till the mountain Arunachala was out of his sight. This would normally take about half an hour after the trip started. This time as he traveled to Chennai the boy continued to see the mountain till he suddenly woke up when the bus reached Chennai and he realized that he had slept through the trip dreaming of his beloved Arunachala. His inner space was filled with the grace of Arunachala.

In Chennai nithyananda stayed with his uncle for a few days. Each day he would go to his uncle's factory with a person who acted as a guide and security guard, so that he would not run away. After a few days nithyananda suggested to this man that they should go the Kapaliswarar (Siva) temple in Mylapore and the man readily agreed. In the temple nithyananda gave the man the slip and melted away in the crowd. His real journey had started.

nithyananda went straight to a spiritual institution nearby where they allowed him to stay for a few days, telling him that if he wished to stay longer he would need to become an inmate of the institution, which the boy had no desire to do. He did not wish to be part of an organization without a living master present. When the masters are alive then the organization around them breathes, lives and flourishes as if it is a living organism. Once the masters are no more the organism too dies and the dead matter becomes an organization that then flourishes in hierarchy and bureaucracy. Wise beyond his years, nithyananda wanted no part of any such dead institution.

While he was at this institution some one who knew him spotted nithyananda, recognized him and informed his parents. His father came to Chennai to talk to him, but found there was no choice except to accept the situation. At this institution, they gave him a kavi (saffron) cloth. He dressed himself in a three piece kavi robe, carried a long walking stick and a kamandalu (water pot) and set off to the central railway station. He got into a bus and was promptly asked by the conductor to get off, as he did want a person dressed in that manner in the bus. nithyananda walked up to the front of the bus and got in, unseen by the conductor. He traveled to the station without any one asking him to buy a ticket, which in any case he could not have as he had no money. As he walked into the platform again without a ticket, Tamilnadu Express, the train to Delhi, was ready to depart. nithyananda got into a third class compartment. He was finally off, on a journey that he had dreamt for as long as he could remember.

During the journey various people gave nithyananda food. The train reached Delhi the third day morning. From Delhi he wanted to go to Hardwar, which is the foothill of the Himalayan range. The train was to depart in the evening and nithyananda decided to walk around Delhi.

In the end he stayed in Delhi for a few days. He bathed in a road side tap and went in his wet clothes to a Siva temple near the station. The temple priest gave him food and a new set of kavi clothes. He then walked to Raj Ghat where Mahatma Gandhi is buried. By the time he returned to the station the train to Hardwar had already departed. He visited a few more temples and stayed the night in one of them.

The next day he took a day train going towards Hardwar and got off at a place where there was a temple to Sani (Saturn), who is supposed to be partial to sanyasis. A group of sanyasis were passing by and he followed them. From then on nithyananda traveled on foot, bus and train in that region, ate when hungry, and slept when he felt tired. This way he covered the entire Char Dham: Gangotri, the origin of river Ganga; Yamunotri, origin of river Yamuna; Kedarnath and the Siva temple; and Badrinath and its Vishnu temple. He met various kinds of ascetics, the naked naga sadhus, those who wore iron chastity belts, some with their heads buried in sand for days, and many others.

nithyananda spent many days on the banks of the Ganga. He would enter the river after cleaning himself and sit on the banks mediating for hours. Merged in the ecstasy of meditation, one with the energy of this river of divine origin, feeling free of all bondage both in inner and outer spaces, with the vigor of youth in body and mind, nithyananda spent days with no idea of any discomfort or pain, despite the very basic conditions of his life.

It was exactly the way imagined it would be and wanted it to be. In deep fulfillment and gratitude to Existence nithyananda fell in love with life; actually, he rose in love with life. When one is in love, true unconditional love, one feels inadequate for the other person. He felt deeply grateful to Existence and to Life for this wonderful opportunity to breathe, meditate, live and be joyful. He felt like a King with the accompaniments of a beggar; all he had other than his three piece kavi, kamandalu , rudraksha mala and stick was a small plastic bag containing vibhuti (ash) and kumkum (red powder applied to forehead).

nithyananda used to sit by the river with his feet in the water or leaning his head on the stick held supported by his thigh and shoulder. He would sing as his heart led him. People would give him food attracted by the grace of this young lad who looked regal in his simple kavi robes. In the north of India people have always been partial to sanyasins and would always provide food and shelter to wandering monks.

We shall cover the details of nithyananda's parivrajaka, his wanderings, his enlightenment and the period that followed his enlightenment in later chapters of this biography. He wandered the length and breadth of India, lived in caves, forests and graveyards, and subjected himself to severe forms of penance to realize the Truth of his identity.

However, as an enlightened Master he is the first to say that all that was perhaps not needed. In his case that was what the Cosmic power, Parasakti, had intended for him. He needed, as we read earlier to try out thousand of keys to figure out what fitted the lock of his own Self. He tells us, his disciples, that that is not necessary for us to do. At the time of our initiation as his disciples we have been given the right key by Him; that key is guaranteed to open our own locks of identity, if only we were to sincerely pursue the process of opening ourselves to awareness.

Fish see the Swan's reflection and wish to own it

Soon after his enlightenment Nithyananda had a vision of the mission that he had been sent out to accomplish. He perceived this mission as an endeavor to transform people, their attitudes and mindsets through meditation towards the path of realizing that people are divine in nature. There was a strong impulse for him to go back to the South of India where he came from, even though he had determined when he left home that he would not return. Along with these messages that came to Him, Nithyananda as he terms it 'downloaded the vision of a Swan' soon after his enlightenment. That Swam is now the emblem of his mission center Dhyanapeetam. Dhyanapeetam was established and later extended to Nithyananda Foundation to teach people how to transform. The emblem that one sees on the Dhyanapeetam website as well as on this book and other publications as the logo, is the Swan that Nithyananda envisioned.

In later days when Nithyananda reflected upon the vision of this great Swan, Paramahamsa, he had these insights to offer to us.

A great Swan, the Paramahamsa is flying high in the sky. Its reflection is seen on a series of ponds far below on the earth. The fish in the ponds see this reflection of the Swan and rejoice. The very sight of the reflection fills them with joy. Groups of fish start marking off areas which they claim are their own within which they want to capture the Swan's reflection. They build fences and compound walls to contain the reflection. Some fish build temples for the Swan. Some fish build ashrams. The fish hope to contain the Swan within these boundaries believing that the reflection will remain under their possession.

The Swan neither knows what is going on below upon the land, nor is it bothered about the drama of the fish. It continues to fly. It never lands.

Swan's shadow moving across the water is like the tapas, the penance and the parivrajaka, the wandering. It is of the Swan but not the Swan. The fish look at the reflection and think: oh, what the Swan is doing is so difficult; perhaps we too can fly; we too can go beyond social conditioning. Swan does not know the drama that is happening below.

Is the reflection of the Swan, the Swan itself? Is it 'i' or I? It's the shadow that the fish perceive as moving. The fish too move. The water too is moving. Fish can not distinguish between the reflection and the source.

When the reflection itself can not be understood, how can the real Swan be understood? Some fish feel they are getting enlightened. They feel that the closer they are to the reflection faster they will get enlightened.

If only the fish would raise their eyes they will see the real Swan, the source of the reflection that they are chasing. However, the reflection itself is so graceful, so beautiful that most fish have no motivation to look up. The fish are quite happy building walls and fences in the belief that they are able to hold the Swan and possess its reflection.

If they do look up and see beyond the reflection, they too will become the Swan; they will be enlightened.

The reflection comes and goes even as the Swan flies past the ponds and returns; in many forms: Jesus, Krishna, Buddha and others. Different angles, different perspectives, and different distortions. If the water is calm fish see one reflection; if water is turbulent they see another; when they move with the water they see yet another form. They argue with each other claiming that what each one sees is the real Swan; all by looking at the reflection. Each one's reflection is possessed by that individual fish or groups of fish, not to be shared.

They don't even wait till the reflection goes beyond the limits of the pond before arguing about the reality as they see it of the Swan. Swan just keeps flying, the fish just keep arguing. Fish miss the present.

Are the fish too part of the reflection?

When they do not see the swan's reflection the fish have no recollection of the reflection that had filled them with joy just a while ago. Their memories are short and they are back to their eating, mating, fighting and dying.

It is only when they see the reflection, and with it the joy it brings their spiritual drama begins. If they do not see the reflection there will be no Swan, no movement. Water does not hold imprints of the Swan. Water does not move with the Swan. Swan does not know about its reflection. Only the fish react. They react when they see the reflection.

Some fish make a website. Others bring out books. As the Swan's reflection crosses the pond, different groups say: We in Seattle own the reflection; we in Vancouver own the reflection; the reflection belongs to Bangalore etc. Yet very few fish look up. They are all so focused on and obsessed with the reflection.

Zen Koans, Buddhist Sutras, Sufi Stories, Christian Parables, Hindu mantras: all say the same thing; look up; look within.

When the fish come close to the reflection, the form gets distorted. They can not see clearly any more. Fish need to look up, look within.

When Truth is expressed facts are meaningless. Vision of the reflection by the fish is factual; vision of the Swan is Truth.

When one perceives with the intellect one is still far from Truth. One gets closer and then feels with the heart. When one gets closer, one experiences through the senses. When one gets really close, eyes no longer see clearly. What can be seen in only through the Being. What is seen through the Being is Truth; that is the witnessing Consciousness.

When the witnessing Consciousness is at work, what is right for you will happen. Every thought that arises will be fulfilled. What you see will be the Source, not the reflection. That is the level at which enlightened Masters operate. Siddhas, spiritual technology practitioners who are not enlightened, can also make their desires come true through visualization and such other techniques; however, they do not do it in conscious awareness, and can get into serious trouble by operating through their unconscious.

Some fish will write all this down. That will not be the truth. Truth is multidimensional. Any writing, however good, will only be two dimensional. Writing can only relate facts, not the Truth.

When nithyananda left home after his first spiritual experience, he had a clear understanding of how ephemeral social life was. However, his mind was not empty. It still had an alloying element that separated the near enlightened fish from the Swan. The wanderings and the penance burnt out the remnants of the alloy, the mind that was left behind purposely so that the final union could take place; so that nithyananda could become Nithyananda.

In the three articles that follow, I have attempted to share my own experiences as a disciple of Nithyananda. A process that was as powerfully short as it was powerfully life changing. The only certainty during this period was the sheer uncertainty of what was to happen next. It still is. Surrendering to a Master, my Master, has been a roller coaster ride; the only difference being that there was no downside. It was a constantly uplifting ride.

There is no order; nor chaos. There is no respect; nor insolence. Men do not sit on one side; or women on the other. There is no chatter; but no silence either. There are no questions; mere doubts. There is no desperation; just acceptance. There are electronic gadgets on one side; Sri Chakra and Meru on the other. No greed is evident; nor guilt. No anger visible; nor helplessness. The assembly is a motley mix of genders, ages, professions and interests; all with one purpose. They have to come to hear the Master.

The Master sits with a smile, trying to be inscrutable as the Sphinx; we know it’s a mask.

Who is he? Is he the Father, Mother, Son, Brother, Friend, Lover or a Fake? We know he would love to be called a Fake; that would make the confusion more complete. Is he all forms in one? He can be the terror of Shiva; he can also be the nectar of Krishna. Is he better as a bitter night mare or a sweet fantasy?

There are times when he chides, eyes aglow with anger. One learns to stay quiet. The grimace morphs into a grin; Shiva morphs into Krishna. Tears come to my eyes even as I write; and as I read what I wrote; what to speak of being in his presence.

He is all forms; and no form. He refuses to be captured in a frame, turned into a stone, worshipped as an image- a master dying at the hands of the fantasies of his devotees. He would rather be the 'simha swapna', the nightmare, awakening us into wisdom; a Zen stick that prods us into wakefulness, than be the crutch that we are comfortable with. He relates to us on multiple frames and planes, just to keep us off balance and in confusion, than allow to be frozen into one frame that kills the master and ourselves.

The Master is beyond forms; beyond dimensions. He is not uni, bi, tri or multi dimensioned. His dimensions and forms are infinity; infinite dimensional; infiniD.

Swami says:

“Frozen into one frame, Mother or Lover, I am easy for you to capture and retain. I am then easier to market. It’s good business for me, not good business for you. I want you to be confused so that you become enlightened. I want you to die so that you are awake. Come to me with your ignorance; it’s my duty to show you the path. Don't hesitate to fall into my arms with love; you will soar with me into bliss."

We are so used to falling into mud that we hesitate. Soaring into is not our nature as we understand it. Our anxieties and fears work upon us creating nightmares and fantasies.

We are watching a movie all the time. It's only when the movie stops that we see the screen beyond without which the movie can't be projected. We know not it's a dream till we are awakened. Unless we experience the 'no mind', we have no idea that we have been fantasizing. A child when she plays still knows that she is playing. An adult keeps playing not knowing that all he plays with is unreal. It's the Master's job to rudely awaken us to show us a glimpse of the reality. He enhances our problems so that our small worries are drowned in much bigger ones; with his grace the troubles fade and the Sun shines into reality.

When we dream, when we fantasize, it is about us and others; the first person attaches the second and the third; I includes you and they as well. When the dream breaks, the movie stops, the circus gets over, you and they merge with the I; then the I disappears, only the Consciousness remains.

Form and forms disappear once we realize we are watching the movie; even the screen collapses. Nightmares and fantasies cease. We awake.

This is the point of Ananda Gandha, where the form merges with the formless, and Devi's doubt answers itself: What is life, beyond form pervading forms?

The master's message to us is Anandam- Dhyanam-Nityam; the goal- the path- the process; Bliss- Meditation- Cognitive shift. Swami Vivekananda said: Awake, Arise and stop not till the goal is reached.

Swami Says:

Arise, Awake, STOP, the goal is reached.

The class breaks. The Master has finished expounding on Devi's fifth doubt. Shiva is yet to answer. Master explains to us the koan of Meru and effortlessly draws the complex Sri Chakra freehand. He simplifies the complexity and creates more confusion; smiles and says go freshen up; it's my job to enlighten you.

We break for tea, move out, stand chatting as we wait for the cuppa, about the Master and the discourse. It's so much easier to talk about the Master as it is so much more enjoyable. The discourse can wait.

A fire has broken out near the Ashram fence. We watch not really believing that the Ashram can be touched. Swami explodes on the scene shouting out a steam of instructions: wet the thatch roofs! Disconnect the power! Call the fire brigade! Store the computers! ....

We galvanize into action. Some form a chain to move water; others rush to the office to disconnect computers; some throw water on the thatch. What were we doing till he instructed us, at least a dozen of us senior professionals, used to taking decisions and giving orders? What were we doing waiting for a twenty seven old to tell us what to do? There is no ego, no irritation, just acceptance and then satisfaction is doing what one did. Will some one tell me what is at work here?

At another level it matters little whether I understand or I don't. The experience is enough. The presence is overwhelming. I am just grateful that I am; that I'm here.