Chapter 10: My Journey, My Transformation🔗

If I look back at my life, it is clear that I was the last person in the world to have taken this path. On the other hand, I also feel I would have been the easiest to take such a path.

When I look at so many seekers that have read Vedanta and all kinds of philosophy and moved from one master to another, I know I am very lucky for many reasons. I see so many people who have had a guru in the past torn with conflict when they are drawn to Swamiji. Their heart is pulling them towards Swamiji but they (actually their ego) is holding them back. In some cases organizations impose a significant guilt by stating that you cannot go to anyone otherwise you will betray your guru. Swamiji is quite clear – he tells us to pluck all flowers from the spiritual garden and make a beautiful bouquet for you. He also warns us those who do not give freedom to their devotees to explore by going to other gurus are doing a very serious disservice to their devotees. In my case the moment I met my Master I knew this was it. I felt a sudden click. And fortunately, there were no guru conflicts or there was no heavy head with all philosophies so that whenever the master said anything I would have to refer to my spiritual encyclopedia to compare against the teachings of this guru or that guru. This way I feel quite blessed.

With all the life experiences we had, I was ready in that money was not a very important factor in our lives. I always felt that there is more to life than the corporate ladder I was climbing. I am also thankful to all the life experiences and tragedies that I faced early in life because they were my gurus too. Luckily these experiences made me realize the fragility of life and gave me a sense of urgency to step into the spiritual path when our Master appeared and showered his grace on us.

I think I have been quite an intense person all my life. But there was also some kind of constant urgency that I seemed to want to get done with whatever I started that very minute. Somehow I never made the time to stop and smell the roses. I worked very hard and somehow could not understand why others did not want to do so. A major source of irritation to me at work or even off-work was why people could not focus and get things done. I think this was nothing but ego. The sense of urgency was somehow related to the early death of my father. I somehow seemed to think time is running out and I needed to get things done now! If I sit back and analyze this, I realize there is no need for this. Swamiji taught us to be intense at the same time not to be clutched to the goal. Even in the early days of the mission I would often get irritated as to why certain things could not get done in a timely manner.

When I first met the Master I really wanted to serve Him. Little did we know that it is the Master who gives us an opportunity to serve Him out of His compassion. He really does not need us, our time or our money. By giving us the opportunity to serve Him he allows us to explore ourselves, develop an understanding of who we are, where we came from, where we/our ego is caught and learn from these experiences. A lot of times, the Master tell us, to stop judging people and not be irritated because they may not do work. We often brought corporate atmosphere around us and tried to judge people based on what they delivered. The Master, on the other hand would tell us that there is no equality of work in his ashram. Those who could work on the mission could work and those who did not want to, it was also OK. He knew that every being was unique and was starting from a different point in their growth. So he provided all options to all beings. We on the other hand, as senior Swamis in the mission continued with a corporate attitude. I am sure we have hurt a lot of individuals who needed to go through their own growth. I know we have been resisting this change in our attitude for several years despite ample opportunities Swamiji had given us to look inwards. Over the last year and a half, this thick buffalo skin finally began to give in and I am now able to understand that everyone of us have growth to undergo in our own way, some more than others, and that everyone cannot be expected to do or perform per corporate productivity metrics. So I must apologize for all who may have been hurt by this corporate demeanor.

Then there was resistance from my part when it came to education of my children. Right from childhood we were brought up with the notion that education was the most important thing. So when Swamiji said that let Nithyanandi and Nithyananda Sree stay around Him for a year, I resisted. Ma Sachitananda was quite OK with this. The Master was actually giving space for these beings to blossom, to be de-conditioned from the influences of TV, Schooling, Peer pressure, etc. But I resisted Swamiji for two years on this, until it dawned on me that He knows better.

Swamiji tells us that surrender is important. There is a lot of confusion of what surrender is. Especially in the west surrender seems to be equated to some form of slavery. In India when Master says, surrender everything we think He is asking us to give him our properties and wealth. It is so far from that. So far, I have not known Master use anything surrendered by ashramites or disciples. Luckily in our case we were never really stuck with the idea of accumulating a lot of wealth. However when Swamiji said, do not worry about the children, leave them alone, I will take care, I was not ready to let go. As I said before it took me a few years to get over this. I now know that Swamiji clearly knows what is best for them, we know he will give them all options in life so that they can explore and explode in all directions. I can now say with utter clarity that this aspect where I did not trust the Master has completely evaporated from my being.

Swamiji told us that it is quite easy to surrender wealth, name and fame and personal belongings. All of them do not touch the ego very much. The ego gets fed by the five senses. Surrendering these senses to the Master is the final and the most difficult surrender. There would be so many times in the early days, the moment Swamiji would say something, the mind would pop up with its own interpretation and judgment.

I can say that surrender of the senses happened to me as a process. It did not happen instantly, but as the deep understanding grew within me that Master knows best, only until this was internalized fully, the mind stopped to pass its judgment. Today I can now see no matter what the Master tells us, whether we understand it or not, believe it or not, there is no judgment being passed by the mind. We simply do it since we know that He knows what is best. We invariably find later and understand why he told us to do a particular thing which made no sense at that time.

The next phase in my growth that I observed was a phase of intense awareness. It almost seemed to happen right around the time when I started feeling that the mind no longer analyzed people, situations or the Master. Every word I uttered, I have started being aware. If I hurt somebody, I would clearly be aware and say to myself, “Look, you could have handled this situation this way” and try to incorporate them into my life. Another very important transformation was there was no guilt with a wrong act, but a clear understanding that I need to change my attitude or behavior. This phase of intense awareness continues even now. Initially my awareness seemed to happen around external incidents and happenings. These days I am finding there is intense awareness at the thought level. So now I am finding I do not go around thoughts, I do not seem to create or want to destroy thoughts, they just seem to come and go and somehow as time passes by I am now seeing clearly that this is what Swamiji means by living in an unclutched manner.

These days while I continue to work very hard and live with intensity and passion, I am finding I am no longer the corporate guy wanting to drive everything. I try to do the best I can and try and inspire others to do the same. If on the other hand, they are not able to do it for whatever reasons, I am OK. I no longer get bent out of shape as I used to a few years ago. I just seem to set a goal and work towards it. I am no longer frustrated that the goal has not been achieved. I feel all of a sudden a lot of lightness in myself. Also, there was a step change in my mental demeanor since Swamiji conducted living enlightenment program with a few of us. I want to try and describe this for the benefit of the readers. The whole idea of sharing this is to really let you know, that if this process happened to me, it can happen to anyone. The only thing I have done is to be around the Master and not let my mind play its game. Whenever I took one step, I always found he took hundred steps with me. All I can say to those reading this book is be open, do not resist, be open and do not miss the Master.

While my journey of personal transformation was a process that started from the time the Master came into our lives, if there is one time I experienced a step change in my mental set up and structure, it was during Living Enlightenment program.

It was October 2007. Swamiji called all ashramites in Duarte ashram and said he was going to work with all of us. There were 12-15 of us who attended this process. I do not even know what went on during the four days in Duarte. Swamiji would sit with us for hours at a time, joking at times, asking us to think about where we feel we are stuck. I cannot unfortunately verbalize anything that went on in living enlightenment program since it was far beyond the intellect and therefore verbalization. All I can say is for example, when Swamiji asked each of us to tell him why we cannot live in the present moment, in bliss all the time. Each of us verbalized where we felt we were stuck. The moment we verbalized this, whatever that was holding us back vanished. All I can say, is there was some intense alchemy that was going on in the non-physical plane. It was as if Swamiji set up a flame and whatever we verbalized was burnt away from our system once and for all. If write more, I will not do justice. All I can say is he showered his love and compassion on us and we came out as new beings.

The only thing I can describe was my mental state before meeting Swamiji, after meeting him and after living enlightenment in the drawings below. I can best describe this in the following four phases pictorially:

Phase 4: Current State

Phase 3: Immediately after Living Enlightenment

Phase 2: 1-2 years after meeting Swamiji

Phase 1: Before meeting Swamiji

Phase 1 - State of mind before meeting Swamiji: In the first drawing I am showing my mental state before meeting Swamiji. I would go up in a high energy curve and somehow this high energy curve was not sustained. I would be brought down by whatever incidents happened in our lives – if there was a problem at work, a fight at home, or whatever. This low energy curve would also not last for long. Somehow, healing thoughts or some other source of excitement would pull me back. So I would characterize my state of mind to oscillate between these two states.

Phase 2 – State of mind 1-2 years after meeting Swamiji: After meeting Swamiji I have found quite a change in my mental demeanor. While I may oscillate between high and low energy states, the lows were shallower than the high and I did not oscillate as frequently. Whenever I was in a low state, just the presence of the master pulled me out of the low energy state. So while I was having a lot lesser lows, the form of the master and his presence was helping me. None of this was static. Over time I was also finding that even without the Master’s physical presence I was able to pull myself out by the clicks he had given me in terms of His teachings and understandings that would pop-up and pull me out of the low energy curve.

Phase 3 – Immediately after Living Enlightenment Program: In the days after this program, he said whenever there was a situation; clicks would automatically happen and these clicks would pull us out of the low energy curve. It happened exactly the way the master told us it would. For me the impact of living enlightenment was an immediate step change. There was almost no negative curve. Even if I seemed to be going into a low energy situation, I would immediately be aware, and clicks would pop-up just like an internet banner advertisement and pull me up. Also, strangely I noticed that even as little as a day after living enlightenment program, even my highs were also diminished in magnitude.

Phase 4 – Current State: Within a few weeks to a month after the living enlightenment program, I am now seeing the mental demeanor to be completely different. I started finding there was no need for any of the clicks and I would not go into a low energy curve at all. I now feel free from ups and downs, anger or disappointment, happiness or sadness. The curve seems to be a flat line these days. It is intense silence. The intellect is used when it is required and then it seems to rest. This is indeed a wonderful feeling to live in this state.

I am also finding that when I am working with the board of the chemical company, I am able to provide them with sharp, solutions with utmost clarity to a point where I may sometimes say to myself, ‘Where did this idea come from!”

There is nothing I have done in this process. It was Masters’ grace and compassion showering on us. For this I am eternally grateful to my Master. Now that the engineer in me has described this in a graphical format, I am satisfied. I do not know what exactly happened during this process, but I am also not looking to deeply analyze this new found state without ups and downs in my mental demeanor. It has been truly liberating and I am also finding these days that wherever I am and whatever I do, I am doing it with intensity, with passion, with a feeling of gratitude, with fulfillment and with contentment. What more can I ask for?