18. *Q.* Swamiji*, what is Suffering? Is suffering essential in our lives?*

There is a beautiful Buddhist sutra: No suffering, no cause, no end.

What exactly is suffering?

Almost all of us have undergone suffering at some time of our lives.

Now suppose I ask you, Why did you choose to suffer? Was your suffering necessary?

You would certainly find that an absurd question!

Does anyone choose to suffer? you would ask me. Suffering just happens to one, that's all. It can't be helped…

But the truth is, suffering is a choice!

Suffering is not a state of life - it is a state of mind. It is an internal event, not an external event! Whether you suffer or not in a particular situation depends entirely on how you choose to handle that situation.

For me to tell you that your suffering was unreal would be unfair, and untrue. Because for you, your suffering was real, and inevitable. You never gave yourself the option of not suffering! You didn't even know you had the choice.

But now, consider this question consciously:

When do you undergo suffering?

When you fall ill? When your neighbour gets a new car? When your partner leaves you for someone else?

Well, suppose you decided to just accept these situations without anger or resentment. Would you still suffer as much? After all, there is nothing inherently painful about your neighbour getting a new car!

Even if there is pain in the moment, as when a loved one leaves, you cannot wish it away. By accepting the moment, instead of resisting it, you automatically bring down your level of suffering. Suffering is always, ALWAYS born of resistance to the present moment. When you stop resisting, you stop suffering!

A man who had fallen out of a second-floor window and miraculously survived, was visited in hospital by a friend.

Did the fall hurt very much?, the friend enquired politely. Oh no, the fall was totally painless. It was only the landing that hurt!, replied the man.

As long as you go with the flow, there is no pain, no suffering. When you place your ideas and expectations in the way of life, you create obstacles to that flow. Often, the defenses that you set up to escape pain cause more suffering than the event itself!

Consider even Death! As an event, death can hurt you only once. But the fear of death haunts you all your life! Your constant running away from death causes you more suffering than death itself!

Suffering is rarely caused by a major event, like an accident or a fatal disease. Most of our suffering stems from the day-to-day frictions in relationships, the push and pull of daily living.

In many homes, even after 30 years of married life, you will find the husband and wife quarrelling over the same issues everyday! Neither are they able to change their own behaviour, nor are they able to accept the other's. This is what is true samsara worldly life; your own repetitive patterns of living, which you can neither recognize nor control, but which cause you endless suffering.

Suffering happens when you invest too much, emotionally, in other people or in external events. After all, how much control do you have over them?

Become your own source of inspiration. Don't mortgage your happiness to someone else! Remember, you are 100% responsible for your own happiness. No one or nothing can make you suffer without your silent permission! These are not just words to motivate you. It is the simple truth.

Try to make a habit of witnessing your own experiences. What is making you suffer in a particular situation? Is there something you can do about it?

If you can do something, do it.

If the situation is beyond your control, you can react in one of these ways: (a) you can allow yourself to suffer, or (b) you can accept the situation, and get on with your life.

It is your choice!

During the last years of Sri Ramakrishna's life, even when he was afflicted with cancer, he continued to live a normal life. Physically, it was a daily battle against the disease, but the master was at peace.

One day, a concerned disciple asked him, How can you smile like this? How are you coping with so much suffering?

What suffering? questioned Sri Ramakrishna in return. There is pain, but there is certainly no suffering!

To be free of suffering does not mean there is no more pain. Life has not yet given us a remedy for cancer, starvation or stubbing your toe against the furniture. Freedom lies only in refusing the pain a reaction, in not allowing it an influence over you.

You ask me - is suffering essential?

Yes, in a way it is, because suffering can be a powerful catalyst to growth.

Just like a seed first has to rupture before a plant can grow and blossom, intense suffering can break down the defenses of your ego, leaving you open and vulnerable to Existence. With your usual thought patterns shattered, you begin to see things as they actually are.

Pain is part of everybody's life. True maturity lies in knowing how to use that pain before it uses you!

A small story:

Two men, one a gnani (a wise man), and the other an ordinary person, were traveling through a forest on a dark, moonless night.

Suddenly, a shaft of lightning flashed in the sky.

The ordinary man began to tremble in fear. A storm! His mind was immediately given over to confusion. Should he walk on? Or should he find a safe place to stop till the storm was spent? The man began wishing that he had never decided to undertake this journey. He cursed himself as foolish and unlucky. In other words, he fell headlong into suffering!

The gnani, on the other hand, simply used the moments of lightning to take a better look at the road ahead. He ensured that he was traveling in the right direction, thanked the lightning for its help, and moved onward.

Pain is just like this flash of lightning. You have no control over its existence. But whether you suffer from it, or learn from it, is entirely up to you!

Are you enjoying suffering?

One of the most deeply hidden reasons for suffering is: you could be enjoying it. Even falling ill can become a source of pleasure if it fetches you the attention and care you have been craving for.

A small story:

A man working in a large firm would bring the same dish for lunch everyday. Everyday he would complain about how much he hated that particular dish, and his sympathetic friends would share their lunch with him. Taking pity on the man's plight, his friends finally advised him, Why don't you ask your wife to cook something you like, for a change? How can she not be aware that you hate this dish?

What wife? the man asked in surprise. I'm a bachelor. I cook my own lunch!

How often do you find yourself doing this - in subtle ways? Deliberately creating suffering for yourself and gain self pity and another's sympathy? For instance, going without dinner just to spite someone whom you've had a quarrel with?

Examine why it sometimes gives you pleasure to inflict pain on yourself, or on others. Is there a better channel through which you can receive the same pleasure - without the suffering? Is there a positive way to tackle your needs?

Become aware - this is the first step.

The second is to accept totally the Here and Now.